Monday, September 21, 2009

Tired

I am tired. Weary down to my bones and even further,if that is possible. Life has become such a trial and I begin to wonder. Is this why I am alive? Is this why I escaped my mother's fate? So I can spend my days working myself to a state beyond exhaustion, only to go home to world of hurt and stress?....I am weary, yet I do not sleep....and sleep is what I crave more than anything, to close my eyes and turn my back on all but oblivion. I am bereft of all feeling, other than that of being tired beyond all measure. I know there is no escape but I wish for it all the same. And yet, to run away would be to run from all of the things in my life that I hold  most dear. Ah, me oh my. I can no longer run, my knees are shot. There is no where to go anyway....life is what it is the world over.   I am just...tired. It will pass.

3 comments:

janet said...

Dear Peg,
This too shall pass... When someone else is sick and you have to be "on" for so long, I think there's always a delayed reaction, once you can pay attention to yourself, of being weary beyond weary. Wishing you restful sleep today/tonight, when you safely can. When we moved here and lived in temporary digs, I only slept every other night (the beds were so uncomfortable, everything was so different...job, homehunting) and I was lucky I kept that job, since I was so out-of-it with exhaustion. Wishing you all well...you and Gus and Greg and Grady. (My knees don't run well any more, either!)
Take care.

Athelas said...

Rest. Just rest.

this helps me when I'm in a funk: http://www.freemeditation.ca/

Sitting somewhere beautiful in silence helps, too.

Learn To Be Quiet by Franz Kafka

"You need not do anything.
Remain sitting at your table and listen.
You need not even listen, just wait.
You need not even wait,
just learn to be quiet, still and solitary.
And the world will freely offer itself to you unmasked.
It has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet."

After such a stressful time, it's no wonder your body needs rest.

I hope you feel better soon.

Jeff- in the Berkshires said...

Peg,
I send thoughts of peace and rest and of healing.

There are so many many reasons you are alive and this comes from someone who only knows a fraction of what you share in your writing. The depth of your caring and feeling and vitality and love of life comes through even in the depths of exhaustion and trouble. It is there and it will become visible to you again.

Take care