Monday, May 31, 2010

Dream Tree

I planted a tree today. I dug the hole, mixed in some fresh compost dug up from the steaming bottom of the pile, loosened the roots from the compacted soil of the sapling and placed it carefully in the hole. I filled it half way with soil, then watered, and finished filling, pressing down on the last layer, firming up around the base of this tiny life. I was so focused on the job at hand that my next thought and the one following made me sit down hard on the wet ground around this tree I so carefully planted. My first thought was how lovely it will be to sit in the shade of this pretty red maple on a hot summer next thought was the bare fact that I will be long gone before this tree is large enough to cast a cooling shadow large enough under which to lounge. I had to confront my mortality with a wallop of reality all in a few short minutes. I pushed aside the thoughts of my limited future on this planet...if one is alive, one is dying, it is the way of life.

I instead envisioned a picnic blanket spread out under the canopy of my lovely tree, a child's laughter coming from yard beyond, maybe a puppy or two rolling and play-fighting....a scene from an idyllic summer's day, far in the future, long beyond my time. It is a labor of hope, the planting of a tree when one is past a certain age, hope for the promise of a future, a sweet dream of a peaceful world where children can play and picnics can still be had beneath the shade of a beautiful red maple, planted by a dreamer on a sunny spring day long ago.
May it be so, and not just a dream.

Saturday, May 15, 2010


This situation has had such an adverse effect on my life. There has been continued hostility : my woodpile moved, trespassing on my property, 8 bright yellow no trespassing signs on the trees facing my house, a makeshift fence of yellow rope and broken broomsticks and ski poles cordoning off the contested corner..... all of this done while we were at work, my poor dogs, no doubt going crazy in the house while these people were in my yard
.I have called the state police again, have experienced anger and fear of such  intensity it has made me physically ill. I had to spend last night home alone without Greg and the dogs and I was so fearful...I did relax after a while, but the threatening cloud  that hung over me left me uneasy and exhausted.
It is so awful to have this feeling in my cozy home, to feel unsafe. I am leaving this afternoon for a trip to the Cape for a few days and for the first time ever, I am not feeling a pang of regret leaving my home. I do not want to be here, but I am afraid of what I will find when I return. I have good friends that will watch the house for me and my car will be in the driveway, but still.

Dealing with chronic depression and anxiety disorder is hard enough on a daily basis, and this whole mess has really thrown me into a bad place. I have been feeling that downward spiral approaching, that black place hovering... I am trying to put it aside, I am trying to create some positivity inside and outside my home ...and head.......I smudged my whole property, walking the perimeter and through the garden paths, meditating on serenity and peace, I did the same inside. Now I am burning sweet grass, windows flung open to the beautiful clean air, cleaning, dusting and vacuuming, washing away all of this negativity and trying to concentrate on a positive outcome .  A letter is being sent to them suggesting a compromise solution and I am trying to be hopeful that they will see the sense in stopping this harassment, and moving towards mediation.

Life is very short, with so little time to waste on hostility and hatred. I do not want to poison myself with these emotions. So I won't. There is too much of it in the world already.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Redemption by River

Caught up in a fast current, I started to struggle The water was high, turbulent, and flowing swiftly down river towards the wing dam. I knew that if I went over the dam I would get caught up in the vortex of roiling water and drown. I tried to lever myself up out of the muddy flow to see the shoreline, but I couldn't. The river had grown wider and deeper. There was nothing but brown, churning water in all directions. Calm down, I told myself, this is how people die. But I saw no solution, there was no way out and as I tried to swim to the shore I was not even sure if I was going in the right direction How did I get here? How is it possible that I could be about to drown in my beloved river? Me, the river's daughter? I was caught like a leaf in a swirling eddy, unable to break free.Tired from my struggle, I decided to relax and let the current carry me; the river could hold me in  her arms for as long as she wanted. She would either deliver me or let me go. I gave up.  Floating with the current, I felt at peace.

When I woke from this dream, thunder was rumbling and  lightening was still flashing through my bedroom window. I was is a sweat, tangled up in the sheet, breathing hard. I am accustomed to a vivid dream life, but this one was so real. I was in that water, the dam was just ahead; before I gave up the struggle, I was fighting to stay alive in a hopeless scenario. What interpretation I can give to this all too real dream?

Am I feeling like I am out of control of my emotions, about to be swamped by the constant struggle to come to an accommodation with my past?

Is all of this stirring up of my childhood memories making me feel like I am sinking, fast?

Or is it that I am finally learning how to let go of all of that pain and sadness, all of the grief I have held onto these many years, and allow myself to just be?
I feel that it is the latter, that in relaxing into the flow of the water, I was relinquishing my need to control, allowing myself to say good bye to past and present hurts. I want to believe that the river was trying to wash me clean, to scrub away sorrow and hard memories that I have carried all of these years. And so I am going to believe it. When I traveled over the river on my way home today, I saw that she is indeed running high and fast after the torrential rains last night. I thanked her for her help, and felt suddenly clean and  content.