Monday, May 3, 2010

Redemption by River

Caught up in a fast current, I started to struggle The water was high, turbulent, and flowing swiftly down river towards the wing dam. I knew that if I went over the dam I would get caught up in the vortex of roiling water and drown. I tried to lever myself up out of the muddy flow to see the shoreline, but I couldn't. The river had grown wider and deeper. There was nothing but brown, churning water in all directions. Calm down, I told myself, this is how people die. But I saw no solution, there was no way out and as I tried to swim to the shore I was not even sure if I was going in the right direction How did I get here? How is it possible that I could be about to drown in my beloved river? Me, the river's daughter? I was caught like a leaf in a swirling eddy, unable to break free.Tired from my struggle, I decided to relax and let the current carry me; the river could hold me in  her arms for as long as she wanted. She would either deliver me or let me go. I gave up.  Floating with the current, I felt at peace.

When I woke from this dream, thunder was rumbling and  lightening was still flashing through my bedroom window. I was is a sweat, tangled up in the sheet, breathing hard. I am accustomed to a vivid dream life, but this one was so real. I was in that water, the dam was just ahead; before I gave up the struggle, I was fighting to stay alive in a hopeless scenario. What interpretation I can give to this all too real dream?

Am I feeling like I am out of control of my emotions, about to be swamped by the constant struggle to come to an accommodation with my past?

Is all of this stirring up of my childhood memories making me feel like I am sinking, fast?

Or is it that I am finally learning how to let go of all of that pain and sadness, all of the grief I have held onto these many years, and allow myself to just be?
I feel that it is the latter, that in relaxing into the flow of the water, I was relinquishing my need to control, allowing myself to say good bye to past and present hurts. I want to believe that the river was trying to wash me clean, to scrub away sorrow and hard memories that I have carried all of these years. And so I am going to believe it. When I traveled over the river on my way home today, I saw that she is indeed running high and fast after the torrential rains last night. I thanked her for her help, and felt suddenly clean and  content.

1 comment:

janet said...

That was scarey, so well-written that I was afraid, too. I like
that you are the river's daughter.
I like 'redemption by river', and I'm glad the river and the dream left you feeling peaceful. Wow...