Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Rambling instead of sleeping
I feel lost without my various muses. My gardens, my home,my art projects lying fallow in the loft. Not that I am all too enthused to get back into anything at the moment, but I feel like my life has come to a standstill, and I am waiting. Waiting to heal, hoping it happens quickly and completely, hoping to gather back that sense of myself that I had before I knocked it all out in that horrific fall. I am not good at waiting, I want to breathe without pain, I want to sleep on my side, I want to be upright for longer than 15 minutes at a time, I want to be able to type without making corrections on every other word, I want to write without wracking my brain for a word that will just not come forward, to actually have a conversation without lapsing into stuttering for the right turn of phrase, to remember what it is I am always searching for. I know that that one is a long shot. I am holding fear at bay as best as I can, that the cognitive difficulties I am experiencing will go away, that the sore parts of my body will heal right. I close my ears when I hear it coming, the well meaning but unbearably offensive"Well, you know you may never be the same" That is a frightful thought and yet why should it be so? Adaptability. improvisation, chances for spiritual growth, simple learning keep us changing every day. And so many have had experiences far worse than mine. So if I have changed or do come out of this a 'different' person I hope for change for the better, and different in a way that will help me live a life of meaning as I continue on my journey. I just need a dose of patience, and that's never been one of my stronger attributes. I need a good drug-free couple of nights of sleep. I need to let go of my need to control my life, since right now my body is in that role. I just need to let go.