Sunday, September 11, 2011

Mark the Day

We went driving along the river today to bear witness to the wrath of Nature. The water was running high and fast, seemingly angry. The lowering clouds added to the aura of gloom. Trees still standing looked drab green , dropping their leaves far too early, the areas of silt-covered brush looked other-worldly, and the feeling was one of deep grief and loss. The road was oddly empty of traffic,the air bereft of the lightest breeze. A bleak and sad day, 9/11.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Swept Away

What does one do when one's whole life seems to be swept out from under one's feet? Four  years of care- taking, the pain of loss and then whoosh! no job, no means of supporting one's self and all for no good reason. What is it that creates such meanness in a person? How does someone pretend to care, pretend to be compassionate and empathetic when in reality such feelings don't exist? How does one live within one's self knowing that all of these things are faked? But how much worse is it to find out that one's faith and trust were placed in such an empty vessel? Betrayal is a horrible word, but it is the word that comes to mind in this situation.
What a horrible little life to live, always acting, standing in the light when one's heart is so black with anger and self-righteousness. It is a sad way to live; must be lonely too, for if there is nothing real about the face shown to the world, then what is there? Friendships? based on shifting sands of the water's edge, no solid footing? Relationships? played out behind a mask of loving kindness? Family? all so far removed as to be nonexistent? It is in truth a life more to be pitied than scorned.

It is good to get away from the toxicity that is engendered by daily exposure to this person, but painful to be removed from the attendant relationships of the job, the daily banter, the warmth of friendships soon to fade. Every step forward is a step away, leaving behind the negative energy, moving into the light of a new life, new possibilities. But there is pain involved all the same, and it is hard not to feel the unfairness of it all. Wasn't the loss of a brother enough?  That was an event beyond control, but the loss of a livelihood? All occurring at once is a hard process to endure, and yet endurance is the key. One foot in front of the other is the only path away, forward, first one step then another.

Maybe this is the sign, time to move, pick up and head out to warmer climes, make a new adventure out of life, to try to find the good again. Maybe gratitude is in order, a gracious thank you sent out to the cosmos for yet another chance, yet another change.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Sad~~Glad


sad for the pain
glad for freedom

 sad for heart's sorrow
glad for heart's ease

sad for the ache,
glad for the wings to fly

sad for such a troubled soul
glad there's trouble no more

sad for such a loss
glad for such glory 

sad to see the journey's end
glad to know it begins again

sad for how it had to be
glad for how it is

rest well brother
John. 
we will miss you until we meet again

                           

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Wind

I was awakened yesterday by a ferocious wind. The chimes were not just ringing, they were clattering  along with the harbor bells in a wild cacophony of chaos. It felt dangerous. I was filled with fear, a foreboding that I can not explain, and I could not make myself venture out into that north wind. I find that the winter wind fills me with fear, makes me anxious and edgy, especially at night. And for whatever reason, yesterday's wind seemed to sweep all of the joy of life right out of my heart. I could find nothing to counter the way I felt. So I went back to bed and waited for the sun to come up with the hope that the light would cheer me. My hope was in vain, I spent the entire day in a blue funk. I am never one to wish my life away, but I could not wait for the day to end and I could climb back under the covers and sleep my way to today. It is quiet outside now, calm and safe. I can leave my home  without any cares or fear. Isn't it a wonder how a phenomenon of nature can so profoundly affect one's mood?