Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Swept Away

What does one do when one's whole life seems to be swept out from under one's feet? Four  years of care- taking, the pain of loss and then whoosh! no job, no means of supporting one's self and all for no good reason. What is it that creates such meanness in a person? How does someone pretend to care, pretend to be compassionate and empathetic when in reality such feelings don't exist? How does one live within one's self knowing that all of these things are faked? But how much worse is it to find out that one's faith and trust were placed in such an empty vessel? Betrayal is a horrible word, but it is the word that comes to mind in this situation.
What a horrible little life to live, always acting, standing in the light when one's heart is so black with anger and self-righteousness. It is a sad way to live; must be lonely too, for if there is nothing real about the face shown to the world, then what is there? Friendships? based on shifting sands of the water's edge, no solid footing? Relationships? played out behind a mask of loving kindness? Family? all so far removed as to be nonexistent? It is in truth a life more to be pitied than scorned.

It is good to get away from the toxicity that is engendered by daily exposure to this person, but painful to be removed from the attendant relationships of the job, the daily banter, the warmth of friendships soon to fade. Every step forward is a step away, leaving behind the negative energy, moving into the light of a new life, new possibilities. But there is pain involved all the same, and it is hard not to feel the unfairness of it all. Wasn't the loss of a brother enough?  That was an event beyond control, but the loss of a livelihood? All occurring at once is a hard process to endure, and yet endurance is the key. One foot in front of the other is the only path away, forward, first one step then another.

Maybe this is the sign, time to move, pick up and head out to warmer climes, make a new adventure out of life, to try to find the good again. Maybe gratitude is in order, a gracious thank you sent out to the cosmos for yet another chance, yet another change.