Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Swept Away

What does one do when one's whole life seems to be swept out from under one's feet? Four  years of care- taking, the pain of loss and then whoosh! no job, no means of supporting one's self and all for no good reason. What is it that creates such meanness in a person? How does someone pretend to care, pretend to be compassionate and empathetic when in reality such feelings don't exist? How does one live within one's self knowing that all of these things are faked? But how much worse is it to find out that one's faith and trust were placed in such an empty vessel? Betrayal is a horrible word, but it is the word that comes to mind in this situation.
What a horrible little life to live, always acting, standing in the light when one's heart is so black with anger and self-righteousness. It is a sad way to live; must be lonely too, for if there is nothing real about the face shown to the world, then what is there? Friendships? based on shifting sands of the water's edge, no solid footing? Relationships? played out behind a mask of loving kindness? Family? all so far removed as to be nonexistent? It is in truth a life more to be pitied than scorned.

It is good to get away from the toxicity that is engendered by daily exposure to this person, but painful to be removed from the attendant relationships of the job, the daily banter, the warmth of friendships soon to fade. Every step forward is a step away, leaving behind the negative energy, moving into the light of a new life, new possibilities. But there is pain involved all the same, and it is hard not to feel the unfairness of it all. Wasn't the loss of a brother enough?  That was an event beyond control, but the loss of a livelihood? All occurring at once is a hard process to endure, and yet endurance is the key. One foot in front of the other is the only path away, forward, first one step then another.

Maybe this is the sign, time to move, pick up and head out to warmer climes, make a new adventure out of life, to try to find the good again. Maybe gratitude is in order, a gracious thank you sent out to the cosmos for yet another chance, yet another change.


Marie said...

Hi Peg

I keep reading your last post over and over and I am in the same place. I have lost my love and my life. We were buried together though there is only one person in that grave. People are strange and I have to really wonder if they were really friends at all or if they were just pretending. I have been alone now for 8 months. I see no one nor do I hear from anyone. I have just resigned myself to that is the way it is. It hurts but I will never know why. I have to just try and live one day at a time. I wish you peace, love and hope for brighter future. Marie

peg said...

My Dear Marie,
I am so sorry for your loss and your loneliness. Oftentimes people back away because they do not know what to say: How does one speak to such sorrow? The average person would feel awkward and afraid of saying the wrong thing and so say nothing at all, unknowingly compounding the hurt. Also when one's friends are all couples being a singleton, suddenly, puts one in a hard spot. I would like to believe that this is the case with your friends, that they are giving you room and waiting for you to reach out to them, although 8 months is a long time to go without contacting a grieving friend. People are strange to be sure. I wish that they could read your post and perhaps see that leaving you alone to grieve was not the right thing to do.
I will hold you in my heart with light and love and hope that your sadness eases and that you find a way to connect again, even if it is in a different direction.

Thank you for your good wishes, especially in light of the hard road that you find yourself walking. You have a kind heart, one deserving of loving friendships.
You have that in me, strangers that we are.
Take care, and stay in touch,

janet said...

Dear Marie and Peg,
I'm very sorry for your losses. I haven't been through this, and can only imagine how much it hurts. And Marie, losing touch with your friends when you need them, that sounds so lonely. Know that there are folks who care and maybe don't have the right words, or the courage, or don't know how to be helpful. Reaching out to them, or to new friends instead may help you feel connected again. I wish you peace and comfort and healing, and better days to come.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there, Peg and Marie. There are caring people in the world. Keep your hearts open.

Anonymous said...

Hi Peg and Marie,
I am truely sorry for your losses. Having been through this myself recently, I know how painful loss, either through death or loss of a job, can be. Although the world certainly seems uncaring and shallow at times, try to hold on to that which is good in your life: a pet, a good meal, a sunny day... Grief is a funny thing - it can be paralyzing and overwhelming, but it can also be cleansing, in that it requires a conscious effort on our part to work through it and get to the other side. Of course this is never easy, but at the same time it is what life requires us to do. I don't know why friendships can be fickle. Perhaps it is time to let go of those who have not reached out to help you. I do know however that there are many good people in life and they can be found when we reach out to help others who are even less fortunate that we are. Don't lose faith in either humanity and love. CJ

peg said...

Dear Janet, E,& CJ,

Thanks for all of your kind words and support. I am finding my way, little by little. It really means a lot to know that I am not alone. I am trying (and succeeding, mostly) to take this as a positive. Sometimes it takes a jolt to push us out of our comfort zone...
With hope,

Jeff- in the Berkshires said...

Dear Peg & Marie.
I have read your posts over and over and while I have held you closely in thought, I have not had the chance respond. I too am so sorry for your losses.

Know that even though it seems like you are walking step by step alone, you are not. Though the footing is not always solid, the guiding compass that is deep within your heart, is and the strong thoughts of many are steadying you at your elbows.

Compounded hurt is not fair, even if it is reality. Nor are friends or family that are so preoccupied with life, that they miss some things that are obvious.

While we may resign to ourselves that is the way it is, that isn't what I hear in your words. I believe that deep within you there is an ember waiting for a fresh breeze to renew the fires and spirit within and that in your heart you also sense it is there.

Just because it is, doesn't mean it always will be.

Sending you both fresh breezes of good wishes to help heal the pain and good thoughts to help you on your journeys.

Your deep inner strength is releaved through your words. I sense something good on the other side of this storm. I believe it will be and believe you will find it.


peg said...

Thank you, Jeff.
'Just because it is doesn't mean it always will be.'
What a great mantra!
I am going to write that in my journal 100 times!

Your thoughts are always so full of insight and are deeply appreciated.
I am on the mend~