Thursday, September 20, 2012

Black Dog sitting on my chest

We went  to an Arts festival in a nearby town. The main streets were closed off and tents were up with vendors selling everything from glass to pottery to paintings, jewelery, and woodwork. Fine artful things, beautiful things.We walked along the first line of tents and I paused to look at a painting, then some bracelets. Every time I looked up, I was alone. When I'd look for Greg, he was usually standing 15-20 feet away, waiting. I'd join him and we'd stroll along. I would be drawn to another  booth and would look at the creations, sometimes chatting with the artist about the work, admiring it and complementing them on their collection and talent. I'd look up and around and there was Greg 20 feet away, waiting. It went on this way down one street and up another, and I got lonelier and lonelier as time went by. I tried to encourage him to look at some of the artist's wares, but he said he was just there for me. But he wasn't there for me, he was waiting there for me. For me to wander alone from booth to booth. At one point he asked if there was anything I wanted him to buy me and I said yes, I want everything; what I should have said was that I wanted his company, I wanted him with me, not waiting for me. There were hundreds of people there, music set up on every corner, cafes opened to the sidewalks, tables outside. People eating and drinking, laughing, chatting and shopping. The day was glorious and fine and I was as lonely as a body could be. Why can I not be happy with what I have? Why am I always sad and alone even when surrounded by thousands of people? We drove home with me in an angry blue funk. I went to bed and didn't get up until the next day.

This is what depression does.


Jeff- in the Berkshires said...

Sorry you didn't get to enjoy the day. I know what you mean about feeling lonely in a crowd. While there is energy it seems to be moving around you and not lifting you up. It is tough when the person you are with really doesn't want to be there and it takes even more energy from you to tend to them, even if they act like they don't want you to worry about them. Before long you're wearing their funk and the outing you had looked forward to turns to something where you wished you hadn't bothered coming.

Why can't you be satisfied? That's an easy one. That's not the depression speaking, that's the part of you that knows you deserve more and knows what is good for your spirit and your soul. That us the very healthy part of you letting you know it is there.

Wishing you peace Peg and hoping you find spaces that replenish your soul and spirit. Your instincts are good.


Anonymous said...

I know just what you mean, but I never thought of it as depression. I often expect D to be more companionable than he is. He will take walks with me, but it often feels like he walks faster than I want, just to get it over with. Was it always this way? I don't think so. I see other couples who seem to enjoy their time together and wonder why not us. I don't have an answer, but I hear you.