Saturday, July 20, 2013

uninvited

The party is happening as I write, spent and exhausted from a hellish hot week of moving, cooking, and today, selling, then hauling it all home, lifting, unloading, stashing, washing, emptying, crying. The party is in full swing and I am, as I have been all week, alone. There are toasts being made, games being played, swimming, eating drinking & laughing on this joyous occasion, the celebration of two sweet young people's love, and I am here, done in , un-included & disregarded and saddened by this feeling of exclusion. I once felt like I was a somewhat significant part of this family and I would like to still feel that, but it is not so. I am a totally dispensable entity, handy for cooking or whipping up dessert, but not all that important or even necessary. What a sad feeling to have. 
The party for which I cooked favorite dishes of the bride and groom and sent along with my love is happening as I write, but I am too tired, too dispirited, just in too much pain to clean up, get dressed up and drive all the way over there when I know my absence is barely noted. It is not my family after all.

A week later
 Well, I have gotten over my wahwahwah self pity. That Saturday was the end of a horrible week of ungodly hot & humid weather, a lot of driving and carrying of boxes along with my usual load of cooking and delivering. I can't say that I feel good about any of it, but I do hope to not feel like such an outsider with my step family ever again. I did try to find someone to work the market for me, but perhaps not hard enough. I could not afford to miss it as it was mortgage week, and I needed to get some money in my account to pay it. I suppose I'd hoped that Greg would have stepped in and said he'd cover it so I could be there, but that is not his way. He is somewhat blind when it comes to such things. And I won't ask so it's on me.

I did have to listen to the post party recital, and I tried to be the big person and not let it irk me, but after a while I finally had to say that I'd rather not hear any more, thank you very much. Too much salt in a fresh wound. 
Ah well, life goes on.