Saturday, July 20, 2013

uninvited

The party is happening as I write, spent and exhausted from a hellish hot week of moving, cooking, and today, selling, then hauling it all home, lifting, unloading, stashing, washing, emptying, crying. The party is in full swing and I am, as I have been all week, alone. There are toasts being made, games being played, swimming, eating drinking & laughing on this joyous occasion, the celebration of two sweet young people's love, and I am here, done in , un-included & disregarded and saddened by this feeling of exclusion. I once felt like I was a somewhat significant part of this family and I would like to still feel that, but it is not so. I am a totally dispensable entity, handy for cooking or whipping up dessert, but not all that important or even necessary. What a sad feeling to have. 
The party for which I cooked favorite dishes of the bride and groom and sent along with my love is happening as I write, but I am too tired, too dispirited, just in too much pain to clean up, get dressed up and drive all the way over there when I know my absence is barely noted. It is not my family after all.

A week later
 Well, I have gotten over my wahwahwah self pity. That Saturday was the end of a horrible week of ungodly hot & humid weather, a lot of driving and carrying of boxes along with my usual load of cooking and delivering. I can't say that I feel good about any of it, but I do hope to not feel like such an outsider with my step family ever again. I did try to find someone to work the market for me, but perhaps not hard enough. I could not afford to miss it as it was mortgage week, and I needed to get some money in my account to pay it. I suppose I'd hoped that Greg would have stepped in and said he'd cover it so I could be there, but that is not his way. He is somewhat blind when it comes to such things. And I won't ask so it's on me.

I did have to listen to the post party recital, and I tried to be the big person and not let it irk me, but after a while I finally had to say that I'd rather not hear any more, thank you very much. Too much salt in a fresh wound. 
Ah well, life goes on.

2 comments:

Jeff- in the Berkshires said...

I think you need to ask Greg to step in when you need him to. You would do if he needed it and you probably would see it first and not have to be asked.

He may be a little blind with things like that, so be his glasses and help him see. We are never too old to learn and you need to think enough of your self to help him see. [ok off my soap box]

Meg said...

You know Jeff, you are always spot on with your responses. I should have asked Greg to step up, but I am idiotically independent and stubborn.As I said, it was on me. We have had a hard summer and our relationship is sailing through very rough seas. I try to keep my eyes on the horizon, but the waves are high and troughs deep.There is nothing to do but try to keep afloat and find the calm after the storm so that is what I am doing.
Thank you for being my friend.
Peg