Monday, October 21, 2013

Holding on to Hope

I never imagined that my life would be so unhappy. I have lost those things so vital to, trust, belief, respect, and I am afraid that love will be the thing that will die next, the most important thing. I do not know how to reconcile my feelings with the reality of my situation. I feel that I am to blame somehow, that I allowed this to go on too long,  this situation that has sapped me of self respect, my sense of self worth: I have gotten lost.

Blaming myself  is my default position, and I guess I am to blame to a degree, but looking back, I see that  I gave every opportunity to resolving this hurt, I did not stay silent in the face of such profound disrespect,  However, my  words fell on deaf, they were heard, but disregarded and dismissed, meaning less than nothing. And as the years passed, my disappointment grew and along with it hurt, resentment and anger. I have harbored this negativity for so long that I am afraid that it has become a part of my being, and that is a frightening thought.

And so, it has come to the crux, the place where I decide whether to end this relationship forever, not believing yet another promise, not allowing myself to fall back into hurtful complacency, standing firm in the face of a lonely life, but finally free of this angst that has chewed away at my soul for so long.

I have placed it on the table in a flood of  tears, the pain of it causing me to cry out my anguish to an empty house; I cry a keening wail of sorrow that I am unable to control. So sad, too sad, grieving for the loss of that which I thought would last forever.

And yet I harbor a tiny nugget of hope: a small place in my heart still holds a bit of light like a candle in vast darkness. I guess it is our humanity that keeps hope alive; there is still love there, maybe it will be enough. It is my hope that it will be enough.