Monday, October 21, 2013

Holding on to Hope

I never imagined that my life would be so unhappy. I have lost those things so vital to, trust, belief, respect, and I am afraid that love will be the thing that will die next, the most important thing. I do not know how to reconcile my feelings with the reality of my situation. I feel that I am to blame somehow, that I allowed this to go on too long,  this situation that has sapped me of self respect, my sense of self worth: I have gotten lost.

Blaming myself  is my default position, and I guess I am to blame to a degree, but looking back, I see that  I gave every opportunity to resolving this hurt, I did not stay silent in the face of such profound disrespect,  However, my  words fell on deaf, they were heard, but disregarded and dismissed, meaning less than nothing. And as the years passed, my disappointment grew and along with it hurt, resentment and anger. I have harbored this negativity for so long that I am afraid that it has become a part of my being, and that is a frightening thought.

And so, it has come to the crux, the place where I decide whether to end this relationship forever, not believing yet another promise, not allowing myself to fall back into hurtful complacency, standing firm in the face of a lonely life, but finally free of this angst that has chewed away at my soul for so long.

I have placed it on the table in a flood of  tears, the pain of it causing me to cry out my anguish to an empty house; I cry a keening wail of sorrow that I am unable to control. So sad, too sad, grieving for the loss of that which I thought would last forever.

And yet I harbor a tiny nugget of hope: a small place in my heart still holds a bit of light like a candle in vast darkness. I guess it is our humanity that keeps hope alive; there is still love there, maybe it will be enough. It is my hope that it will be enough.


Jeff- in the Berkshires said...

The question is, what would be good for you. Negativity can be wearing and draining to the spirit and self esteem and sucks energy. Only you can decide when the scales are so far off balance that you are hanging on by finger nails. I know there have been times when you have been resentful that something wasn't picked up or noticed. Would individual or couples counseling help? Sometimes we hear what someone is telling us but don't really get it.I am very kind hearted but even I sometimes can be so focused to the point of being oblivious and it takes someone bopping me on the head and pointing it out and then it is an ah hah moment. But there also needs to be a desire to meet somewhere in the middle and if that awareness isn't there and that is the tough decision.

Peg you are an optimist as I know a like soul. Optimists are tenacious and tend to cut someone a break (even if they don't deserve it). We are also survivors. I also know that where there is faith (and perhaps hope) the size of a mustard seed can move a mountain. The question is, do you want to keep moving that mountain or is it time to just find something different and mend and heal and grow. The decision of which of staying or leaving is the scariest option is a tough one and I send you good thoughts.


ps: check out Sharon's blog for a recharge of hope rising from a dark place.

Anonymous said...

Hi Peg,
Hope you are doing ok. Sending you good thoughts.


peg said...

The candle is still flickering, Jeff.
I appreciate you and the wise insight you provide....I don't know if I am keeping my hopes alive out of my own inertia or a true desire for us to heal and continue the journey together. Only time will tell as I no longer trust my own judgement in this matter.
Thank you for caring~

Anonymous said...

Dear Peg,
Maybe I read too many novels, but I believe that where there is life there is the hope and possibility of better things to come. More love may be in your future, whether with your current, or past, or maybe a new love. Keep chugging along with all the good things you matter.