Sunday, January 5, 2014

Hard days

These past few months I have had to face reliving many of the uglier aspects of my past. Things that are happening to other people are stirring many memories, all filled with pain, sorrow, disappointment, heartbreak, grief. As much as I have been trying to live in the moment and not allow these events dredge up the muckier parts of my life, I have not been able to keep my thoughts clear of the harder aspects. I can not change anything that has happened to me, nor would I, as I am who I am because of my experiences. I feel helpless in the face of the pain that my friends are enduring. so what is there to do? Acknowledge the events that haunt me, own my past actions, learn how to forgive myself and others and try to be of as much support as I can to those who are having to suffer through similar in today and not let yesterday rule. That's all easy to say, but putting it into actual practice is as big a challenge as I have faced in a long time. I am finding myself feeling worn down by  just too much of, life, illness, death. I guess growing older brings this on, my friends are growing older too and it seems to be the fate of many to be stricken- with cancer, prolonged suffering, uncertainty, and fear for the future. I have experienced all of that, both personally and through the lives of people dear to me and right now it feels never ending. I have survived much sorrow, have had hard choices thrust upon me, and felt the despair that comes with hopelessness. But I have survived and I imagine I will continue to, but it's hard right now to see beyond today's sadness.