Thursday, September 17, 2015

Ready

I am in that horrible  empty place again, joyless and weak, a  hollow shell ready to crack at the sound of  whisper,empty but for the constant clamor in my head,the noise that never goes away. Am I the only one that feels this unending sorrow?

If I try to pin down a specific event or trigger for these  terrifying slides down the side of that bottomless pit,I am stymied. They come on me when I least expect them when I am least prepared to deal
with my emotions going all kaflooey. All l know is that i am sliding.
I had a thought about illness and how we face it.  We go to our doctors to help us feel better. And in the time before we see our docs, we want to live. But those of us with with mental illness, all we want is to die. I don't need anything, just  prescription to end this life and i am good to go.

Maybe it sounds like i am being fasicious, not treating a heavy subject with the solemnety it deserves. And it is heavy, far more than i am able to carry at the moment

3 comments:

Jeff- in the Berkshires said...

HI Peg,
Was drawn to your page today. Wish I had been a few weeks back, seeing this post. Mental illness is an illness and is treatable. I urge you to reach out to someone who can help you, perhaps with medication or therapy. Perhaps there is something else chemically going on in your body. (Been there)

When we get down in a ditch it's pretty hard to see anything but the dark walls around you and how deep it is. I've been there my friend and I knkw many of the feelings you are expressing. It's wearing.

The human spirit has the gift of wanting to survive, wanting to be well. We wouldn't be able to come back from shit experiences without it and get though to what is good.

I think about all the people who have been touched iby your life and people you've been touched by having known them. There is more to come, and it's not all shit.

I knkw I have a guardian angel. There have been too many close calls in my life to believe otherwise. I call on that entity often for solace, when I have doubt, when I feel desperately alone, even with people around me and when I question life. I pray. And then I try to be quiet enough to listen. (The real key) it sometimes takes a little time but I often get my answer and the reassurance that I am not in this alone, that my life has purpose that I have yet to discover.

Peg, your life has purpose and meaning that you have yet to discover. In your physical and emotional pain I expect it's difficult to be still enough to listen to the voice of your guardian angel, who I expect weeps along with you.

Peg, you are a gift of the great Spirit. You are who you are because of the good things in life and the bad. We are all shaped by our experiences and it is difficult for us to see our gifts.

I while ago I suggested to you that you find and opportunity to volunteer and share your gifts. Who can you share your experience in life with? Your gifts. It is by sharing with others that we find purpose in life and start to build a ladder out of that ditch.

Peg, I wish you well, I wish you peace, I wish you a push of strength to see through this darkness and reach out. You matter.

Jeff

Anonymous said...

Sorry for all the typos. It's hard to edit on the iPad
Jeff

peg said...

Ah, Jeff, I have lived with the black hole looming before me for more years than I can count. It is an insidious and sneaky thing that strikes at random times and with irregular severity. I have been medicated for this beast for 30 years, and I have a great doc who I don't hesitate to call when I do feel myself sliding. I am good right now.
I recently participated in a breathwork retreat, a 4 day journey/ experience that I believe has helped me more than any medication or talk therapy ever has. I came away from it feeling a lightness of being, the clamor in my head having been finally silenced, and replaced with soulful peace. I practice this breathing technique on my own and the change I feel in my heart and mind is palpable. It is an ancient Yogic practice of continuous circular breathing, similar to yoga nidra.
Since that weekend in early Oct.there has been a significant change in the way I think/feel/react. I feel healthy at last. It was a hard, intensive emotional blast to my psyche but with amazing results.

I am so grateful to have you in my life. Your words have been a balm to my troubled soul these many years, and I am warmed by your empathy and compassion. You are a man with a loving heart and a kindly soul. You have been a steadfast support for me and I appreciate and am thankful that you are out there watching over me just like a guardian angel. I know that I am truly blessed. I also know that I will take my meds for the rest of my life, but I feel much more certain that I can keep the demons at bay, that I am strong and deserving.

Thank you, Dearheart! You are truly a blessing in my life.

On a happier note, I know that you will appreciate how I feel about this. I have had an essay published in a book "This I Believe Philadelphia". I had submitted it 3 years ago, went to Philly to read it for broadcast on WHYY FM (a huge honor) and then my essay was one of 30 chosen out of 800 submissions for publication in the book. I would love to have your address so I can send you a copy. If you like, please email me at pegthechef@gmail.com.

Thank you again, my friend. My best to you and your family this holiday season.
With love and hope,
Peg